On Names

           To be fair, I don’t have anything against people with first names as their first name, middle name, and last name. It just so happens that a certain person who I have an aversion towards has a name that sounds like someone is reciting a list to make sure all kids are on the bus at a field trip for an all boys’ school. Also being fair, I’m a tolerant person. I don’t hate people. I just happen to dislike a large amount of people. Three first names is one of those people that I dislike more than the rest. So three first names isn’t something inherently bad. I just need things to make fun of this person about and when it comes to how many insults you can have in your repertoire, the limit does not exist.

            My pondering on names had me ruminating on other types of names that can be ridiculous or hilarious, such as the ol’ same first and last name. Do these names exist in real life? I personally have never become acquainted with a Peter Peters or heard a radio program hosted by a Jackson Jackson, but does that mean that they don’t exist? Perhaps their names are the reason that we haven’t heard of them in the first place and they are hiding from the world in a cave or convent until the day they turn eighteen and can legally change their name. Personally, I feel like such a sort of name would be all it takes to skyrocket someone to fame and glory. The brand would be instantly recognizable. It practically builds itself. Any parent should not be surprised when they write Jake Jacobs on a birth certificate and upon lifting their head see four other infants behind their son doing synchronized dance moves and wearing matching bandanas. You know what I mean? The name Jake Jacobs belongs in a boy band like Mark Marx belongs in a library with a tumbler of scotch in hand.

            I wonder what goes through parents’ heads when they decide on their baby’s name. I admire anyone who can say “we’re picking this name because we like it” and leave it at that, because sometimes things come up down the road that you’ve just got to plan ahead for. If you name your child Harriet Penelope Valdez, well that’s just shame on you because now your daughter’s initials are HPV. But what if you name your kid Henry Charles Smith and everything seems fine until the outbreak of a new debilitating super virus that results in what can only be called Human Cow Syndrome? Unlucky.

            Names are an interesting human machination but they individualize the something billion of us and can provide more insight into character than many of us would like. Such as that John Collin Evans is annoying and has a big mouth.